And it still hurts my heart...

The day my husband died on October 12, 2011, we had an unresolved and silly disagreement. We had not spoken to each other for a few days due to some vague misunderstanding. I was sure we were both just waiting for the right time before we would patch things up. We would both laugh hard and tease each other endlessly, and everything would be fine again, like it had been for the past 21 years of marriage, and 12 years of being sweethearts before that.

I felt like I should call him at 11:00 a.m. that day, but I got busy with preparing an appeal brief to be filed with the Nevada Supreme Court on behalf of one of our clients. The attorney I worked for wanted to have it finalized by that afternoon.

I was surprised when my older sister called me before 5:00 p.m. She asked if I was still in the office and broke the sad news that something bad had happened while Glen was driving a taxicab and that he had passed away. My heart felt like it would explode and I immediately wailed over the phone. She told me that I needed to calm down and be strong, even as I heard she was also crying on the other end.

My nephew Chino picked me up from my office in downtown Las Vegas and drove through the freeway going to the Spring Valley Hospital in the southwest area.

My three children were standing beside their Papa's lifeless body inside one of the rooms in the Emergency Department when I arrived. That was the saddest day of my life! How could this have happened? We had yet to laugh together and cry together, and celebrate our second child's birthday in a few days! I felt the whole world had crashed down on me. I told myself I was surely being punished for all of my sins! I was filled with the deepest sorrow I had ever felt in my whole life.

When I checked my phone, I found out I had a missed call from Glen at 1:20 p.m. He left a voice message that I could not understand, because he sounded like he was in labored breathing. Even as he was in pain, all he could think of was to talk to me - maybe to say sorry, or tease me, or tell me everything would be fine, or to say goodbye - and I missed his call! It hurt my heart and pained my soul so much!

Now my best friend was gone. The only person in the world who knew me inside and out. The only one with whom my heart and brain were in synchrony in the most profound way, even in the midst of any disagreements.

The beloved father of our four children, my devoted and loving husband who I loved so much in return, had left us suddenly. He suffered from abdominal aortic aneurysm and passed away at the age of 53.

HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF

It's hard to do, no matter what people say. You cannot force yourself to think it's okay, or that your loved one is in a better place now.

You miss the person who has passed away and want him back. Some days, by force of habit, my children and I would still wait for their Papa to come home from work. We would long for the days when we heard the sound of the garage door opening, and he would appear by the door carrying a bag of takeout food or any "pasalubong" and give us his big smile.

You feel sad, alone, or angry with yourself. How did I let the days pass without talking to him? Why didn't I tell him I loved him no matter what was happening around us? Why didn't I thank him often for all the things he did for me and our children? Why didn't I tell him I loved him every chance I got?

I was weeping one night when I asked my own mother how she coped with sorrow after my father died. She said it was a very difficult process but with the help of God, she was able to adjust.

They say grief is a process of letting go and learning to accept and live with loss. The amount of time it takes to do this varies with each person. I'm sure my children experienced their own traumatic experience and underwent their own grieving process, but all I could do was pray for individual strength for all of us.

I believe if you ask for God's help, He will always find a way for you to recover from your grief, no matter how long the process. He will also give you peace in your heart, and a deeper understanding that one day, He will also call you back home to be with Him.

(Painting by Jowy. R-L Glen, me, my older sister Julie and her future husband Ed. Kamia Residence Hall Open House 1978)

MESSAGE TO MY CHILDREN

I found an email I sent to my children four years after their Papa had been gone:

Mga Anak,

Always remember how Papa took good care of you till the end. Say a prayer daily for his peace and happiness.

You are in charge of your future.

Take good care of your teeth. It's so expensive to have dental treatment!

Save. Save. Save. Save.

Josine, I'm sorry we are apart. Learn all you can from life while you're there, and enjoy the moment; don't let your mind wander off before the right time.

Gab, you can be what you want to be, if you have a goal in front of you and work hard to achieve it. I believe in your determination and brave spirit.

Jowy, I'm sorry I unwittingly gave you too many hang-ups in life. I hope you get past them and enjoy life as it unfolds. You are beautiful, talented, and intelligent, so pls don't ever think otherwise.

Jessa, my bunso, you are strong and you will go far. I hope I live long enough to see you achieve whatever it is you want to be in life.

I have a deep and festering wound in the recesses of my heart, but I will myself to live because I trust in the Lord, and want to see you all happily settled or at least in the right path.

You all give me joy daily. I love you all forever!

Mommy

A POEM FOR DAD

This poem is from our third child Jowy:

2012

(a.k.a. To my father)

felt the time in your hands and

(the ice on your skin)

led the raft to the sea and

(the sail to the moon)

waved goodbye to your form and

(goodbye to the dream)

the horizon went black and

(you never turned back)

the horizon went black, and ---

***

Yes, he left us 13 years ago and it still hurts my heart.

How about you? Do you remember how you coped with the loss of a loved one?

Hope to chat again soon!